Why Not Today? Beyond the binary of gender and sexuality

I once had a shirt that read, “There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who do not.”

Yes, I am a dork.

Binaries are useful. Without binary, we would not have the complex computer systems we increasingly rely on to run our society. Not all binaries are bad.

Anyways, in recent years, the label non-binary has come into increasing vogue as a means for describing their gender identity.

I remember what I was taught in biology class as much as anyone else. That men have XY chromosomes and women have XX chromosomes and that was that. Oh yeah, and maybe someone should mention that intersex people exist.

As I’ve gotten older I, like many others, have come to understand that this was not entirely reflective of biology, much less our social reality.

It took me a while to come to understand myself as non-binary. Not even giving presentations where I talked about transgender and non-binary gender idenities caused me to have a sudden epiphany.

I never felt particularly confused about it either but while I never saw myself as a woman, I never felt entirely like a man either (and all the term implied).

Beyond cisgender and transgender there are a multitude of gender identities.

Agender people are people who do not have a strong identification with either masculine or feminine traits and was the first term I felt myself identifying with.

Non-binary is an umbrella term that refers to anyone who identifies outside the gender binary.

Gender fluid people are those whose gender identity exists in a constant flux and can express a variety of gender presentations.

Of course as gender identity exists beyond a binary, so too does human sexuality exist beyond gay, straight, and bisexual.

Pansexual individuals experience sexual attraction regardless of gender identity.

Asexual people are those who do not experience sexual attraction to other people.

There are also demisexual and gray aces, which are people who experience weak sexual attraction or require a strong emotional connection to a person before experiencing sexual attraction.

Now I have a story to share. Once when I was watching a video game streamer, someone in the comments mentioned the idea of being dreamsexual. For those who aren’t aware, dreamsexual refers to only experiencing sexual attraction while asleep or dreaming.

My immediate, less than honorable reaction was to think, “dreamsexual, man that is so silly!” Fortunately, the less lizard part of my brain caught up and was like, “Hey! wait just a second! Who are you to be calling someone’s sexuality ‘silly’?”

Let me put it this way. If someone really did experience this and since they claim to, then there is no compelling reason not to believe them, then well obviously dreamsexuals exist. Furthermore if dreamsexuals exist, what exactly about a human being simply existing is silly?

I share this story because it can be easy to dismiss queer people’s existence as silly or stupid and has been a frequent strategy used by bigots to promote hatred against us.

We are queer. We are here. And our existence is not silly.

Unless we want to be silly by wearing a shirt that reads “There are 10 types of people…”

Flickr photo

Write to Jeremy.redlien@gmail.com